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The Cruelest Month, Part 3: Sorry-Grateful

Nancy Dawson,我心爱的妻子在三年和朋友上有超过30岁,一年前今天去世了。4月27日,2020年。她刚刚转了53岁。

她死于癌症。

南希告诉我这么说。她对委婉语不是很大。

Nancy's time of death was listed as 5:53 pm.

Fourteen years earlier, Nancy's only sister and my first wife, Jennifer Dawson, died of an undiagnosed heart ailment on the same day, April 27. Time of death 6:01 pm.

这是在过去十年和半年内完成我们家人的许多非凡的对称之一。这么多,我不禁笑着思考他们。

她的第二个丈夫Greg Dastillung,艾拉,杰克和菲比等三个孩子幸存下来,以及她的侄女和侄子 - 后来的继母 - 汉娜和詹姆斯,以及她的父母约翰道森。她还留下了富人的遗产,作为化妆师,戏剧表演者,当地女商人,慈善家,艺术家,妇女的父母的妇女,以及Cofounder - 与Tristan N. Vaughtand Ella-- ofTransform。Transform is a nonprofit based in downtown Cincinnati that gives free, donated clothes and makeovers to transgender youth seeking a new look to compliment their new identity. Nancy was moved to get involved in trans youth causes through her support for her daughter Phoebe. During her final weeks, she often referred to Transform as "my sixth child." The best way to honor her memory is to donate to it, which you can do here:

https://secure.acceptiva.com/…

在过去的几年里,我们的家人已经融化了,在她的朋友和家人身上折叠,以及我的兄弟理查德,她的第三个丈夫和我的前任,谁在肯尼的死亡之后,这是一个很棒的朋友,曾经在南希曾经过癌症治疗。理查德甚至来自2018年秋天的纽约辛辛那提,南希和孩子们留在孩子身边,我去了哥伦布的乳房切除术。我们一直很幸运地通过这么多,因为我们继续这么久,奇怪的,最终悲惨的旅程,我们将永远感激。

南希于2019年12月正式被诊断为终端,似乎是乳腺癌的成功治疗。

在那一年4月,她收到了诊断“没有癌症的证据”,这就是他们现在所说的而不是“自由癌症”。不幸的是,它是一种罕见而有害的乳腺癌形式 - “一个艰难的乳腺癌”,因为她的肿瘤科医生置于强硬癌的子集中。我们知道进入,四分之一的机会,她不会生存它。它看起来像我们离开了树林一会儿。

不幸的是,癌症于2019年10月回归和转移,蔓延到她的骨头和器官。当她突然受到严重的痛苦时突然受到折磨的时候,她归于在新娘化妆公司的新娘面前举起太多的特图普尔箱子,这是临时改变的临时总部。肿瘤科医生给了她几周的生活,这将把她的“到期日”放在2月初的某个时候。危险的精神,南希一直走去,卖给她的朋友朱莉尼森并担任筹款人,这些筹款人收集了足够的钱来将变换从新娘的地下室重新安置到街道上的专用空间中。

The final few months were increasingly difficult for her. Although the injection of synthetic cement into her cancer-damaged vertebrae returned some of the mobility she lost near the end of 2019 and in early January of 2020, the disease continued to spread in the following months.

很快,她开始表现出肝脏衰竭的症状,包括肿胀的腿,很难走路。她转移到一系列的手杖 - 她收购了广泛的各种各样,是时尚意识的,包括一个带有咆哮的狼头的恐怖木杖,她批准她认为她的感觉像迪士尼恶棍一样 - 然后转移到沃克,然后转移到沃克,然后转移到沃克,然后转移到沃克,然后转向沃克轮椅。我们从楼上到楼下的卧室重新安置了我们的卧室,以前是一个起居室和工作空间。她继续爬上楼梯到我们的旧卧室举办淋浴,直到它变得太难。在进行决心之前,她坚持要做一切,这是不可能的,这对她的精神是真实的。即使最后,她也试图自己做的事情,这一点是不可能的,只有在不可避免地拒绝否认时才能寻求帮助。

Throughout this period -- nearly five months -- the children were my allies. Jack, the only other driver in the house, picked up the slack on errands around town that were formerly split between me and Nancy. Hannah quit her job for several weeks to help out, returned to New York briefly, then came back to stay with us in the house -- spending two weeks in an air B&B in quarantine first, to make sure she didn't bring the virus into the house -- and pitched in, hanging out with Ella and Phoebe and doing makeup and nails with Nancy. John was a constant help, bringing food and medical equipment by and advising me on household finances and how to be a caretaker to a disabled person (Jan has been disabled since 1983).

We set up a puzzle station in the new bedroom and did puzzles together. I installed a projector and screen in the new bedroom when it became impossible for her to watch films comfortably on the couch where we usually did it. At various points, all five children could be seen kneeling at the base of their mother's bed or wheelchair to empty her catheter, without complaint and often without being asked. They are all fantastic human beings, every one a shining example of compassion as well as the willingness to do what a friend of mine calls "the boring but necessary shit that tells other people that you really care."

南希的最后几天很困难,而是鼓舞人心。她继续看到她所有最重要的个人和专业项目到底,尽管处于不断的痛苦 - 如此,因为她在我身上时,“甚至我的梦想是痛苦的。”当人们说一个人“失去与癌症的战斗”时,她讨厌它。

"It's not a war," she said. "You either get cancer or you don't, and you either survive it or you don't, and if you die of cancer, when people say you 'lost' it makes it sound like you didn't fight hard enough. When I die, I want you to just say "she died of cancer."

但如果我不认为她是一个战士,我会被诅咒,从事一个凶猛的难以捉摸的,令人难以捉摸的,无敌的对手。她在靠近尽头播种了她的头发,这是一个触感,给我的脸带来了笑容,因为我已经作为龙的jo of ach,被龙的战斗嘲笑。她失去了乳房,然后她的腿,然后终于使用她的手臂,以及她的大部分愿景。她的皮肤从辐射灼伤斑驳。但她仍然继续前进,成为别人的好朋友和我和母亲给所有孩子的母亲。每当她在公共场合出去时,她的化妆都很完美,她穿着风格。

她继续创造直到最后,让她的所有家庭成员用手写的字母甚至用油漆和标记装饰石头。我作为艺术家的最后一个回忆之一是最后一次进入临终关怀的夜晚:她让我打电话给更好的东西的标志,她最喜欢的电视节目,在我的手机上,她拿了一个银色标记并将其完美复制在一块石头上,无可挑剔地复制了它独特的手写字体,没有一个错误,一切都在一个平滑,患者的运动中。我邮寄了石头Pamela Adlon., the creator and star of the series, who became Nancy's friend after Nancy wrote her a fan letter, texting Nancy at all hours, and sending her personal videos as well as advance links to unaired episodes of the show with the admonition, "Don't show this to your husband! These are for you!"

And finally, she was gone. On 4/27, just like her sister. I married her 27 years and four months after I met her, Thanksgiving week of 1989, when Jen brought me home to meet the family. The address of the last New York apartment that I lived in before moving to Cincinnati – the apartment that I got right after Nancy and I became a couple — had the address of 427.

4+2+7 = 13. The unlucky number.

“你都是姐妹,”南希告诉我她去世的那一天。

我很感激南希为这么多的东西,但并非最不重要的是她给詹姆斯和我的女儿汉娜的方式,母亲当他们失去自己的生物母亲时,当汉娜是八个而詹姆斯是两个时,他们错过了他们。他们现在都是我的儿女,以及理查德和格雷格和米歇尔阿普拉特'沙Honour Hook'沙Trey Moynihan.'沙Aaron Ellerbrock'沙Kelli Wilt Ramey还有其他人来到他们的援助,而不仅仅是在最糟糕的时候,而且是最好的,整个生活。

我不知道追悼会将需要or when it will happen because, as you all know by now, we live in interesting times. As I write this, the pandemic appears to be slowing, but new strains keep appearing, certain countries are in lockdown again or considering it, and our fellow citizens are, as we now know, ignorant and selfish, so this thing might go on a lot longer than we want.

我们可以等待。当时间正确时,我们会亲自收集。将有食物,艺术和音乐,因为这就是南希想要的。

虽然我在Facebook上发表了一个缩写的ob告,但在她去世后,我花了我一年的时间在罗吉伯特网队发布这件作品。xf187 首页我不想面对它。我害怕詹妮弗死亡的十五年标记和南希的第一年。

But now that the day has finally arrived, I feel fine.

The children have gathered in our house in Cincinnati. Hannah is playing the upright piano that Nancy eagerly accepted from a friend who was moving and didn't have space for it. It hadn't been tuned since 1989, according to the piano tuner—the year I met Jennifer and Nancy. When Hannah tried it out, the notes were so distorted that they made me imagine spinning newspaper headlines in an old movie montage. Now it sounds pretty good. Hannah's been playing some of her favorites, which happen to be songs that Nancy also loved, including Joni Mitchell's "Blue" and Nina Simone's version of "My Baby Just Cares for Me." I hope that we're working up toStephen Sondheim,两个道森姐妹的最爱。

我会一直认为这所房子是南希的房子。她用银行贷款买了第二丈夫的一半房子,并与她的新娘化妆业务合作。她喜欢这所房子,泄漏的地下室和所有人。墙壁上的图纸和绘画,纸张乐谱与工艺胶水粘贴到二楼,卧室墙上的枝条的印刷剪影,当你用某些眼睛盯着他们时看起来几乎像Al Hirschfeld漫画:这些和其他细节证明了南希在介绍对她的一切言论的护理,无论是她的家,她的家人,她的艺术还是自己。

在过去的几周里,我们一直在摆脱不需要的东西,包括南希的剩余衣服和许多从她的业务 - 东西扔掉或捐出的东西。我对这个过程感到奇怪。当你失去某人时,这是一件最终发生的事情。你不能错过生活在过去的生活中的迪阿拉姆。我明白。随着我的继母Genie喜欢说,这不是我第一次在罗德托。(我说这是南希一次,她终于诊断后不久,她笑了说:“什么样的病,悲伤的牛仔竞技表演了?它必须是有史以来最糟糕的牛仔竞技。”)

Ella, Phoebe and James helped me with the cleaning process, just as Nancy helped me go through the closets at the old place in Brooklyn after Jennifer died. Looking back on it, I think that might've been the first time I truly appreciated Nancy as her own person with a sensibility, proudly distinct from her sister's. There was nothing sentimental about that weeding process. It started out with me holding up blouses and pants and jackets and sweaters and shoes and Nancy saying, "Keep" and "Toss" and "No, no, no" and "Oh my God, no, what was she thinking?" Then Nancy took over, tossing bundles of clothes into a hamper to be taken to the church next door. Her hands were a blur. Toss, toss, toss, keep, toss.

南希很难。南希很快。南希典雅。南希喜欢跳舞和唱歌。在她在电话上烹饪或清洁或与客户交谈时,她会跳舞并唱歌。当她开车时,她甚至会在方向盘后面跳一点,唱歌“ragtime,”音乐男子,“俄克拉荷马!”,“伙计娃娃”和sondheim收藏列表,包括“星期天在乔治的公园里,”贪婪,“”西侧故事“,当然是她最喜欢的,我和她的妹妹的:”公司。“

I think about Sondheim's "Sorry-Grateful" a lot. It sums up my relationship with Nancy. And Jennifer. And my dad and mom and stepmother, and everyone I've lost that I miss dearly.

歌曲标题中的连字符说明了这一切。你永远不会抱歉或感激像南希等人。你一直都在同时。过去几年与她有糟糕而美妙。她是我遇到过的最糟糕的事情之一,也是最好的事情之一。这两种想法将保持纠纷。没有矛盾。

你总是抱歉
你总是感激
你总是想知道可能是什么
Then she walks in

And still you're sorry
And still you're grateful
仍然你想知道
你仍然怀疑
And she goes out

一切都不同
没有什么改变
只有可能略微重新排列

你很抱歉 - 感激
遗憾 - 快乐
为什么要寻找答案
Where none occur?

你总是
What you always were
它与之无关
与她。

xf115

Matt Zoller Seitz是Rogerebert.com的编辑,纽约杂志和Vulture.xf187 首页com的电视评论家,以及普利策批评奖项的决赛。

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