Nancy's time of death was listed as 5:53 pm.
Fourteen years earlier, Nancy's only sister and my first wife, Jennifer Dawson, died of an undiagnosed heart ailment on the same day, April 27. Time of death 6:01 pm.
她的第二个丈夫Greg Dastillung，艾拉，杰克和菲比等三个孩子幸存下来，以及她的侄女和侄子 - 后来的继母 - 汉娜和詹姆斯，以及她的父母约翰道森。她还留下了富人的遗产，作为化妆师，戏剧表演者，当地女商人，慈善家，艺术家，妇女的父母的妇女，以及Cofounder - 与Tristan N. Vaughtand Ella-- ofTransform。Transform is a nonprofit based in downtown Cincinnati that gives free, donated clothes and makeovers to transgender youth seeking a new look to compliment their new identity. Nancy was moved to get involved in trans youth causes through her support for her daughter Phoebe. During her final weeks, she often referred to Transform as "my sixth child." The best way to honor her memory is to donate to it, which you can do here:
在那一年4月，她收到了诊断“没有癌症的证据”，这就是他们现在所说的而不是“自由癌症”。不幸的是，它是一种罕见而有害的乳腺癌形式 - “一个艰难的乳腺癌”，因为她的肿瘤科医生置于强硬癌的子集中。我们知道进入，四分之一的机会，她不会生存它。它看起来像我们离开了树林一会儿。
The final few months were increasingly difficult for her. Although the injection of synthetic cement into her cancer-damaged vertebrae returned some of the mobility she lost near the end of 2019 and in early January of 2020, the disease continued to spread in the following months.
很快，她开始表现出肝脏衰竭的症状，包括肿胀的腿，很难走路。她转移到一系列的手杖 - 她收购了广泛的各种各样，是时尚意识的，包括一个带有咆哮的狼头的恐怖木杖，她批准她认为她的感觉像迪士尼恶棍一样 - 然后转移到沃克，然后转移到沃克，然后转移到沃克，然后转移到沃克，然后转向沃克轮椅。我们从楼上到楼下的卧室重新安置了我们的卧室，以前是一个起居室和工作空间。她继续爬上楼梯到我们的旧卧室举办淋浴，直到它变得太难。在进行决心之前，她坚持要做一切，这是不可能的，这对她的精神是真实的。即使最后，她也试图自己做的事情，这一点是不可能的，只有在不可避免地拒绝否认时才能寻求帮助。
Throughout this period -- nearly five months -- the children were my allies. Jack, the only other driver in the house, picked up the slack on errands around town that were formerly split between me and Nancy. Hannah quit her job for several weeks to help out, returned to New York briefly, then came back to stay with us in the house -- spending two weeks in an air B&B in quarantine first, to make sure she didn't bring the virus into the house -- and pitched in, hanging out with Ella and Phoebe and doing makeup and nails with Nancy. John was a constant help, bringing food and medical equipment by and advising me on household finances and how to be a caretaker to a disabled person (Jan has been disabled since 1983).
We set up a puzzle station in the new bedroom and did puzzles together. I installed a projector and screen in the new bedroom when it became impossible for her to watch films comfortably on the couch where we usually did it. At various points, all five children could be seen kneeling at the base of their mother's bed or wheelchair to empty her catheter, without complaint and often without being asked. They are all fantastic human beings, every one a shining example of compassion as well as the willingness to do what a friend of mine calls "the boring but necessary shit that tells other people that you really care."
南希的最后几天很困难，而是鼓舞人心。她继续看到她所有最重要的个人和专业项目到底，尽管处于不断的痛苦 - 如此，因为她在我身上时，“甚至我的梦想是痛苦的。”当人们说一个人“失去与癌症的战斗”时，她讨厌它。
"It's not a war," she said. "You either get cancer or you don't, and you either survive it or you don't, and if you die of cancer, when people say you 'lost' it makes it sound like you didn't fight hard enough. When I die, I want you to just say "she died of cancer."
但如果我不认为她是一个战士，我会被诅咒，从事一个凶猛的难以捉摸的，令人难以捉摸的，无敌的对手。她在靠近尽头播种了她的头发，这是一个触感，给我的脸带来了笑容，因为我已经作为龙的jo of ach，被龙的战斗嘲笑。她失去了乳房，然后她的腿，然后终于使用她的手臂，以及她的大部分愿景。她的皮肤从辐射灼伤斑驳。但她仍然继续前进，成为别人的好朋友和我和母亲给所有孩子的母亲。每当她在公共场合出去时，她的化妆都很完美，她穿着风格。
她继续创造直到最后，让她的所有家庭成员用手写的字母甚至用油漆和标记装饰石头。我作为艺术家的最后一个回忆之一是最后一次进入临终关怀的夜晚：她让我打电话给更好的东西的标志，她最喜欢的电视节目，在我的手机上，她拿了一个银色标记并将其完美复制在一块石头上，无可挑剔地复制了它独特的手写字体，没有一个错误，一切都在一个平滑，患者的运动中。我邮寄了石头Pamela Adlon., the creator and star of the series, who became Nancy's friend after Nancy wrote her a fan letter, texting Nancy at all hours, and sending her personal videos as well as advance links to unaired episodes of the show with the admonition, "Don't show this to your husband! These are for you!"
And finally, she was gone. On 4/27, just like her sister. I married her 27 years and four months after I met her, Thanksgiving week of 1989, when Jen brought me home to meet the family. The address of the last New York apartment that I lived in before moving to Cincinnati – the apartment that I got right after Nancy and I became a couple — had the address of 427.
4+2+7 = 13. The unlucky number.
我很感激南希为这么多的东西，但并非最不重要的是她给詹姆斯和我的女儿汉娜的方式，母亲当他们失去自己的生物母亲时，当汉娜是八个而詹姆斯是两个时，他们错过了他们。他们现在都是我的儿女，以及理查德和格雷格和米歇尔阿普拉特'沙Honour Hook'沙Trey Moynihan.'沙Aaron Ellerbrock'沙Kelli Wilt Ramey还有其他人来到他们的援助，而不仅仅是在最糟糕的时候，而且是最好的，整个生活。
我不知道追悼会将需要or when it will happen because, as you all know by now, we live in interesting times. As I write this, the pandemic appears to be slowing, but new strains keep appearing, certain countries are in lockdown again or considering it, and our fellow citizens are, as we now know, ignorant and selfish, so this thing might go on a lot longer than we want.
But now that the day has finally arrived, I feel fine.
The children have gathered in our house in Cincinnati. Hannah is playing the upright piano that Nancy eagerly accepted from a friend who was moving and didn't have space for it. It hadn't been tuned since 1989, according to the piano tuner—the year I met Jennifer and Nancy. When Hannah tried it out, the notes were so distorted that they made me imagine spinning newspaper headlines in an old movie montage. Now it sounds pretty good. Hannah's been playing some of her favorites, which happen to be songs that Nancy also loved, including Joni Mitchell's "Blue" and Nina Simone's version of "My Baby Just Cares for Me." I hope that we're working up toStephen Sondheim，两个道森姐妹的最爱。
在过去的几周里，我们一直在摆脱不需要的东西，包括南希的剩余衣服和许多从她的业务 - 东西扔掉或捐出的东西。我对这个过程感到奇怪。当你失去某人时，这是一件最终发生的事情。你不能错过生活在过去的生活中的迪阿拉姆。我明白。随着我的继母Genie喜欢说，这不是我第一次在罗德托。（我说这是南希一次，她终于诊断后不久，她笑了说：“什么样的病，悲伤的牛仔竞技表演了？它必须是有史以来最糟糕的牛仔竞技。”）
Ella, Phoebe and James helped me with the cleaning process, just as Nancy helped me go through the closets at the old place in Brooklyn after Jennifer died. Looking back on it, I think that might've been the first time I truly appreciated Nancy as her own person with a sensibility, proudly distinct from her sister's. There was nothing sentimental about that weeding process. It started out with me holding up blouses and pants and jackets and sweaters and shoes and Nancy saying, "Keep" and "Toss" and "No, no, no" and "Oh my God, no, what was she thinking?" Then Nancy took over, tossing bundles of clothes into a hamper to be taken to the church next door. Her hands were a blur. Toss, toss, toss, keep, toss.
I think about Sondheim's "Sorry-Grateful" a lot. It sums up my relationship with Nancy. And Jennifer. And my dad and mom and stepmother, and everyone I've lost that I miss dearly.
Then she walks in
And still you're sorry
And still you're grateful
And she goes out
你很抱歉 - 感激
遗憾 - 快乐
Where none occur?
What you always were